I had a very complicated pregnancy. at 5.5 weeks I had spotting was put on modified bedrest at 6.5 weeks due to a subchorninic hemorrhage and finding out I had a twin pregnancy. baby A stopped developing at 7.5 weeks. My T shaped uterus and Septum it was like a war in there for My Parker Thomas (baby B) but he fought the entire time. ultimately an infection was introduced and my placenta abrupted. They are not sure from what..the twin demise, SCH, who knows. all I know is that after being monitired for for hours I was sent home cervix closed, baby's HB stong. 2 hours later I was back, in with excruciating lower back pain and pressure with spasm like back contractions every 2 min. and when they checked me again I was at 5cm. 30 min after that my Dr. was there, I was now at 8cm and they told me the only thing I could do to help the pain was push. I delivered my beautiful baby boy at 21 weeks 6 days gestation on 9/28/11 at 6:26 am (he was 1lb. 3oz, 11 inches long) he tried to breath/ cry. He was placed in my arms. I touched his lips, he puckered them at me. I traced every inch of him with my finger tip in spurts of my sobbing, silence and kisses. 34 minutes later my son passed peacefully in my arms with his daddy by our side.his brother and sister and my entire family got to hold him. The pain on everyones face still haunts me. leaving the hospital without him was like pouring salt on the wound. Parker looked just like my husband. Sometimes when he falls asleep before me I can't help but stare at him. I swear I can see our son. I Love and Miss you my son I carry your heart with me,

I carry it in my heart!

Gina

 

I have had 3 miscariages one was twins a boy n a girl. I cant believe how hard every day is. How much i would do anything to have them back. I see all my friends having babiea and it kills me to know i can never carry my babies for more than four months. At least i know they are in heaven. :(

Melody

 

Wednesday April 25th, 2012 started out like any other day. I woke up tired and sore from being pregnant. We had just returned from our baby moon and that weekend we painted the twins nursery. I was so happy. I got through my work day picked up pizza for dinner and headed home. My husband and I ate, and I went to the bathroom for one of my many pee breaks, except this time when I wiped there was blood. I immediately began to panic. I told my husband I was bleeding, I tried to call my Mom, no answer. I became more frantic. I called the Doctor on call, he was in surgery. My mom called me back to tell me she was on her way, she arrived in seconds and we headed to the hospital. That was the longest 30 minutes of my life, a thousand scenarios went through my head, but I tried everything to stay positive. Once arriving to the hospital the emergency room took me immediately back and began the examination. I had an ultrasound which revealed two beating hearts but my membranes were coming out. The next step was to start magnesium to stop the contractions and try to ease the membranes back inside and get a band on my cervix. I cried, I cried so much and begged God to save my babies. Begged him to let me keep them. I laid in that bed, all night feeling my contractions, helpless to stop them. I continued to plead with God to let me have the opportunity to raise my babies. It was the longest night of my life. The next morning, I received another ultrasound, while it still revealed the two beating hearts of my babies, my contractions did not ease enough to relax my uterus and allow the membranes to go back in. My cervix was incompetent, it failed me, my body failed my babies. I was going to lose them. My doctor reached out to another doctor at a different hospital for the second opinion. They said I could be transferred, but the outcome would be the same. I would inevitably lose them. I spoke to my husband about our options and decided to stay hoping for a miracle. They stopped the magnesium and I prayed this all would stop, I continued to plead with God to save my babies, to leave them here with me. My labor progressed. By Thursday afternoon, I was in full on labor, my contractions were intense, but I refused to let them break my water. I just could not except that this was happening. I asked for medicine to relieve my pain but nothing helped. I received an epidural that evening. The pain eased and I held on to hope, I held on to it so tightly. I felt them move inside of me, I felt them moving and kicking the whole day. It all felt like this horrible dream I could not wake up from. I slept because of the medicine, but woke often to cry. Friday, April 27th, 2012 at just a little after 8:00AM the Doctor came in to check me. My water had still not broken, but when she checked me, I could feel her touching my first baby, and I knew. I knew that my prayers had went unanswered and my twins were going to die. The Doctor told me I had to push. I had to deliver my baby because it could not live in my vaginal opening. At around 8:15AM I felt heavy contractions, the epidural had started to wear off quickly and my body was continuing to force them out. I pushed but not hard. I did not want to do this, I could not bare the thought, I could not. I pushed again. My water broke, when it was half way out and I brought a little boy into this world, his heart beating, but he was unable to breathe, his lungs were not developed enough. They scooped him up in a blanket and laid him on my chest. He was beautiful. The most beautiful baby I had ever seen. Ten fingers, ten toes, this perfect little face, he moved like they said he would, and he passed away like they said he would. I held onto him, touched face, and handed him to my husband, his first born son, fit in the palm of his hand. The doctor checked me again and Baby B had also moved down with the pushing. I held on to hope. The Doctor asked me to push to deliver the first placenta and I pushed only barely, still pleading with God not to do this. The placenta came and right behind it a second baby boy. They laid him on my chest just like they laid his brother and I wept. He was so beautiful. They resembled each other so much, even though they were fraternal. Ten more fingers, ten more toes, another beautiful face. I handed my husbands second son to him, he cradled him in his hands, so proud and so sad. That baby boy held his finger and my husband let go of all of his emotions. I wanted to run to him, but I couldn't, I lay there while they still worked on me, and I could not hold my husband I could not tell him I was sorry I could not take away his pain, I could not handle mine. He held his second born son while he passed and then he cried in the arms of his mother and my grandma. Again, I was helpless to stop this, helpless to take his pain away and handle my own. The pain our parents feel, the pain of our brothers and sisters. After I was cleaned up I wept in the arms of my mother, the arms of my husband. I could find no comfort. Nothing felt right, everything was in shambles. Shortly, after their birth, they rolled my boys in, dressed in the most beautiful crocheted wraps, laying on the most beautiful crocheted blankets. They positioned them holding hands. I cried, my husband cried. What was left of my heart was laying there in that hospital bassinet. I felt like I was on the outside watching this happen to someone else. This could not be happening to me, to us. We named our sons. Quinton Edward and Owen Scott, weighed less than a pound each and only 8 and 9 inches long. When I felt like I could take no more, I had to make arrangements for them. I had decide how to lay my children to rest. This immediate pain stung my heart. Our options were to bury them, send them to pathology where they would treat them like tissue, cremate them, and I would never know what happened to them, or we could have them cremated and take them home with us. We chose to have them cremated and take them home with us. Everything happened so fast. The hospital called the funeral home, and they came up to talk to us, to pray and to take my sons with them. I asked to see them one last time. We held them, we cried. All the dreams and expectations I had for them. Everything I had ever wanted to see them accomplish, was gone. They were gone, my sweet baby boys were gone. I had to hand them over to someone else who promised to take good care of them. But they couldn't, never as good as we could have, no one could ever love them as much as us, no one. I had to give my babies to God, then I had to give my babies to complete strangers at a funeral home. I didn't trust either one of them at that point, but I had no other choice. I just had to keep giving them away, as much as I wanted to keep them, I had to keep handing them over to someone else. Saturday, April 28th, 2012 we had to go to the funeral home to make their final arrangements and pick out their tiny urn. I had no idea they made urns so small. Ignorance is bliss. I cried in that funeral home, when I signed those papers with each of their names listed at the top. First Quinton's, then Owen's. My boys. My angels. We picked their urn, they explained the process to us, and I cried more. My husband put on this strong face, he held me up when I thought my knees would buckle beneath me. The people at the funeral home were very compassionate, they were very kind. I begged them to keep them together. If mommy and daddy weren't there, all they had was each other. He promised me that they would. The following Friday, a week to the day they were born. I picked up my boys in a n urn. I bought them home in an urn, not a car seat. I held that urn all the way home, and I cried. The next week was a blur, I stayed home. I talked to our family, my friends, and I cried, very often. I cannot describe this pain. I cannot describe how one minute you can have a half smile on your face and the next be crying uncontrollably. I wanted the world to stop. I still do. I want to grieve this unimaginable loss, but everything keeps moving around me. Life is still going on. I feel like I want to die. I have this burning sensation to be with them, I move because people tell me I have to. I eat once a day because my husband asks me to. People tell me they need me, but I don't know why. Why would you need me? I am good for nothing. People promise me this will get better. I keep thinking this is an awful dream, every night I go to sleep with the help of a pill and every morning I wake up to the reality that is my life. My grief starts again, and every day it takes on a new face, a new challenge. My first born children, my sons, my precious beautiful babies. I have to go on without you. I have to find strength I don't have, that I don't want to have. I feel so empty with out your movement, so unhappy with out the anticipation of raising you. Your room, all the things we bought for you. The many things we had planned. Mother's Day, Fathers Day, your daddy's birthday Memorial Day, Independence day, the day that was scheduled for your baby shower, my birthday, the date you were due, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas. I have to do all of these things with out you. I had plans, as crazy as it seemed, I could not wait to show you off, to buy things for you, watch you grow, smile, cry, play, take pictures of you with all of your family, everyone who anticipated your arrival. I am broken, defeated, angry, a million emotions all rolled into one messed up person, me. I cannot see outside of the loss of you, everything else is so pointless. I have went through the motions. I have cried, I have laughed, and I have cried again. I have thought about you both. I have asked God why, everyday. He does not answer me. I talk to you, I hope you can hear me. I love you both more than this life itself, I hope you can feel it. I will live for you if that's what I have to do, I cannot promise that everyday will be wonderful. I cannot promise that I won't be afraid. I cannot promise that I will live my life on the edge. I cannot promise that I will not have my days where I just want to curl up and die. But for you Quinton and Owen, I promise that everyday, I will pick myself up and I will do this. My heart will be broken, I will miss you everyday, I will tell your future brothers and sisters about you, I will teach them how to talk to you. Your daddy and I will never forget you or the day you came into this world, and the same day you left it. I will love you with my whole heart everyday for the rest of my life. You both will always be the first, you have shown me that love this big is possible, where I could have only imagined it before. I will always be your Mommy, and Daddy will always be your Daddy. No one will ever know the measure of our love for you, no one will ever love you as much as us, no one. I will do this for you. I will do whatever it takes to see you again, I will see you again, and you will be in my arms again. It may take me awhile to get there. Wait for me.

Lindsey

 

The first time I heard your tiny heartbeat I knew you captured my heart forever. That day was the one and only time I'd ever hear that tiny beat of your heart. The sound still stays in my mind even 4 yrs later. At 10 wks mommy and daddy watched you moved across my belly. it was the most amazing site ever. We had a 12 wk ultrasound planned but on that day our lives changed forever. Your tiny heart was no longer beating. The doctors said you had passed away within the past 24hrs. I had to wait 9 days before my body finally had a natural miscarriage. the worst 9 days of my life. its been almost 4 yrs but not a day passes without you on my mind. I know you are above watching over mommy, daddy and little sister Isabel. We love and miss you more than ever!

Chelsea

 

Like my previous 3 pregnancy we thought everything would be fine..sadly we were wrong & lost our Precious "SweetPea" on December 18 2008 at 7 weeks gestation after seeing a heartbeat 2 days b4...Mommy misses you as much today as the day we lost you my angel..I love you & as long as I live you will live <3

Jamie

 

On March 18, 2012...A piece of me died..you went to heaven. I think of you everyday. I cry myself to sleep hoping you will visit me in my dreams. Until we meet again my little angel.

Crystal

 

My baby girl was born stillborn at 32 weeks gestation on April 12,2012. We have no answers as to why, but she was so precious and beautiful and just so perfect. The hurt is still so new and I am so heartbroken. I just look at photos and remember the moments I got to share with her. Forever in my heart my precious angel McKinah Rose.

Heather

 

I remember her beautiful profile on ultrasound.

Heather

 

There is a song by Savage Garden that says, "I knew I loved you before I met you..." When Mommy and I found out we were going to have you, even though we were shocked and a little scared, we were so excited. We never expected to be blessed with another beautiful child. You were truly going to be our miracle baby. We were madly in love with the chance to welcome you into the world. All of us: Me, Mommy, your big sisters and brother, talked about dressing you up in dresses and bows in your hair. Jessi said you'd be "like a little baby doll." Taylor was excited for a little sister. We don't know what happened. Maybe you were sick in your own little way. Whatever the reason, God decided He had to take you to heaven before we had the chance to welcome you into the world...hold you...kiss your cheek. Even though we never got the chance to say hello...to hug you...to show you off to our family and friends, you were still ours. We loved you just as much in the short time you were a part of our lives as we would have every day for your entire life. We are so sad that we don't have you. We wish we could have you back. But even though we can't, know that you will forever be remembered by all of us. There is a special little place in our hearts for you. You will forever be honored. Thanks to the great people at the hospital, you and all of the other babies who don't make it in the world will forever be remembered in a memorial service. Mommy and I will be there every time to remember you and to be with the other Mommies and Daddies who are going through the same feelings we are. Mommy and I believe that every little baby, whether they make it into this world or not, needs to have their own special name...so that your grandmas and grandpas who are holding you right now know what to call you...and we'll be able to find you when someday we join you. So sleep sweet, little Adriana Michelle...bask in the love you share with our big family in heaven, and watch over your brother and sisters here on Earth. Until we see you again, spread your wings and fly with all the other angels.

Love always, Mommy and Daddy

Vanessa

 

Born sleeping 11/20/08

Kimberly

 

It was May 24 2009 at 6pm we got a call to meet my daughter at the hospital to pick up our grandson. Oh we were so excited!!!!! Well at 6:15pm we got a phone call from hospital to come up , they couldn't find a heart beat. I left Trevor with Bompa and I flew out and down the roads. When I got up to their my daughter deleivered a 10lb baby boy , Tyler, but he passed away 24 hrs befor she delivered Tyler. I can not explain the feeling we all had but I did get to hold baby Tyler. Baby Tyler was taken from us . To this day we we miss our baby Tyler and we still think factor 5 was the cause of it. We now are waiting for our new grandchild to come any day now. She is being watched very close now. I too started to make baby hats for our nursery here ,called, TJ's Love Hats. Tyler, you are missed so much and always in our hearts, will never be forgotten. You are our little Angel

Love Grandma & Bompa

Nancy

 

I will never forget you. How could I, I caught you in my hand. You were beautiful. Perfect for 15weeks gestation. I miss you so much and it has only been 2 days. Hug Dakota For us. Let her know we love her too. All I wanted was to have my rainbow baby here and healthy but you had other plans. Mommy and Daddy love you both.

Amber

 

We were blessed with a second chance.... everything was going great and I felt wonderful. I was very cautious due to earlier losses... but I prayed constantly. At 24 wks 4 days my baby was very quiet. I went to the doctor's to get checked and my baby's heart had stopped beating. I had a c-section the next day and when my son came out, the cord was wrapped around his neck 3 times. My sweet baby Shane was perfect.... from head to toe... perfect. Shane we miss you everyday and would do anything to have you back. My arms ache to hold you and my heart hurts. Until I see you again my angel.... I love you always and forever! R.I.P. Shane Gerris 12-22-11

Holly

 

We were surprised to find out we were expecting since we thought we finished our family 7 years earlier. At Blake's 16 week apt, the doctor couldn't find his heart beat. Just like that..... our baby was gone. Never did we think this would happen to us. Rest in Peace our lil baby boy Blake Russell 3-31-11

Holly

 

I was 15 weeks pregnant when I delivered our youngest son Karter. He was born November 27, 2011 after spending 3 hour in ER and 9 hours in L&D. It was 3 days after thanksgiving. His original due date was May 18th which happens to also be my daughters birthday. I am still having a hard time coping but everyday I remember one say I will hold my baby again. Until then, baby boy, know you are forever loved. Your older brother and sister talk about you a lot. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about you. Mommy and daddy love you more than you will ever know. We all love you, Karter Benton Pond, our sweet and beautiful angel.

Randa

 

"Our Little Monster"

April 17, 2011, my boyfriend and I decided to take a pergnancy test. It came out positive. We were so happy knowing we had a little one on our way. Our parents were upset and mad but we didnt care we were just happy that God planted a little seed in my tummy during my pergnancy. Every thing seemed soo good soo perfect untill my frist ultrasound the doctor found out that i was leaking amniotic fluid. She gave us hope and told me i had to be in bed rest until i was 27 week then i would be hosptilize to get a c-section. I had to go in every week every other day to get blood test done and a ultrasound.  23 weeks I had my second ultrasound. I had 15% more amniotic fluid. My prayers were answered. I got to see my babys legs and little feet move. By that day I knew that everythig was going to be okay. 25 weeks I got sent to a specialist. I was excited and nervous to hear what the doctor was going to tell me. The doctor seemd speechless and sad. All he asked me if I ever got a ultrasound picture. I kept praying and praying. He came in with teary eyes and said I'm so sorry to say this but theres no heartbeat. I couldnt belive it. I was so ready to have my baby in my arms.I had hope and faith in god that every one was worng. September 20 2011at 6:30am my baby monster was born sleeping. Theres no day I don't think about our baby. September will never be the same.You'll always be in our hearts and when God calls us home to hs kingdom we'll be ready to finally hold you... but for right now we have to wait. Just know you're always in our hearts and minds my Precious Angel<3

Richard & Michelle

 

My sweet angel baby- who I just know in my heart was a boy -was only apart of me for 6 short weeks, and I became his mommy from the moment he was conceived. I think about my sweet baby quite often and even though its been almost 2 years since he went to be with our Father in heaven my heart still aches for my Noah. I look forward to the day we I am reunited with him in heaven. I wish I had a ultrasound picture or something to remember my baby by, so I try to find things to have as a keepsake for him. My angel will always be precious to me and if it were not for him going before it was time, my my 5th baby Liam wouldn't be here with us today. As it is bittersweet to have one child and not the other, I know God has the perfect plan and I trust in Him as to why things happen the way they do. Noah~ mommy and daddy love you and miss you everyday!! <3

Melinda

 

At 20 weeks at a routine check, we found out our baby had passed away, 3 days later he was delivered, and we found out he was a boy, he was perfect, and so tiny. We named him christian. leaving the hospital with a box, instead of our baby was one of the blackest , mournful, heart breaking feelings I think a human can feel. That was in January of 2009, . Exactly 9 months later , in September, i was 23 weeks pregnant with our 2nd little boy, his name was Samuel, and I noticed I hadnt felt him move as much that day. I still remember even now the last time I felt him move, it was early in the morning, and I was sitting in our living room in a rocking chair. That was the last time. It was evening and I decided to go to the emergency room. We found he too had passed away. He came 1 day later, and was so perfect, so beautiful, I felt like if I could just somehow get him warm that he would be alive, it was shattering. I cry when I think of them, I have a hole in my heart that will never be filled.  I thought when I lost Christian that no feeling could be more sorrowful than what felt for him, but when we lost Samuel I knew I was wrong,. I went to a very dark place, but God brought me out, and I know I will see my precious babies again. I will hold them again. I treasure the tiny hat and clothing items I have, anything that touched their bodies. Thank you for doing this.

Louisa

 

My dear sweet Noah i remember hearing your heart beat for the last time it was music to my ears then a week later you wete born into heaven at 19 weeks. I will never forget the way you would move and kick may you rest with the angels my dear sweat son.

Lynn

 

The day before I was 27 weeks, I woke up sick, so sick. I knew something wasn't right, I woke up my fiance to take me to the hospital. I didn't make it out of the bed before I started having seziures, I had 3. I was rushed to the hospital, where they took Kennedy via c-section, she was sent to another hospital with a better NICU. She weighed 1pound and 3/8 of an ounce. She had dark brown hair, and her fathers eye's. She looked just like him. I was put under sedation for 2 days, the day I woke up was the day that she went to be with Jesus. I didn't get to see her or hold her while she was on this earth. Her father held her the last few hours she was alive. All I have are pictures of her, and the clothes she wore while in the NICU. I visit her grave every Saturday, with my fiance.

Sara

 

On 11/16/2012, I attended my monthly OB appointment. When the doctor went to check her heartbeat, it was extremely faint and he could not determine why. That was the last time her heart beat. The immediately got me in for an ultrasound. Unfortunately we were presented with the horrible news that there was no longer a heartbeat. I was sent to the hospital the next morning for an induction. After 3 days of labor, Morgan was born asleep on 11/19/2011 at 12:56pm. She was 9 inches long and weighed 6.8 ounces. I was only able to carry her for 26 weeks, but she has changed me for a lifetime. We will meet again, but until then, Morgan will always be in my thoughts and prayers. She will live in my heart forever!

Amber

 

My sister was just 17 weeks when she gave birth to her beautiful little girl, Emma Joy on February 25, 2011. Our whole family was looking forward to the precious new addition but God had plans to call her home in His time and not ours. Not a day goes by that she is not thought of and missed. We all look forward to the day when we get to meet her again and spend eternity together. My sister always says "Emma is missed, Emma is loved, and Emma is a blessing in my life." Emma, life just isn't the same without you. As your mom use to say to you when you were in her tummy, I love you to the moon and back. Love your favorite Auntie.

Jen

 

You were only in my womb a short time but you filled our hearts forever :) Mommy and Daddy love you so much and are so greatful to have an Angel that watches over us.We will keep your memory Alive as long as we live. Your sissy and brother will then do it for us. We will see you again at Heavens Gates.We Love You Our Sweet Angel!

Angel

 

August 1,1983 1 yr after my grandmother passed, I was 38 wks pregnant & very sick.  I went to the dr.3 days in a row telling him something was wrong but each time the baby's heartbeat was fine & he said I was just getting nervous because i was due to give birth anytime. Aug 2,1983 I called the dr after being up sick all night & he told me he was going to admit me for ivs. so they did & I started to feel better,at 430pm when the shift changed a new nurse came in & I was listeneing to my babys heartbeat while she did her paperwork when I had a real bad pain,next time I knew anything I woke up to nurses in bed with me,5 drs all around me.machines every where.after that it was so crazy,my family was called in.they didnt know what was wrong,then I started to bleed from every where,eyes,nose,ears etc.they rushed me to surgery to find out i had a spleenic anursym that had burst and my baby girl was gone!!! she died from lack of oxygen. I felt like I killed her for so many yrs but now I know it was God's plans for us. I coded 7x on the operating table.  God saved me that night so i would have a chance to ask to be forgiven of my sins so i can be with my princess in eternity.i love you Amanda Faith xoxo mommy

Drema

 

Our Sweet Gavin Michael, You gave us 60 1/2 miraculous hours and we are forever grateful. Our first born, the love of our life we are so proud to be your parents. You are the sun that gives us light and the moon that guides us at night. We will forever feel your warmth and be guided by your love. We love you yesterday, today, tomorrow and all the days of our lives. Love Always, Mommy & Daddy

Ashley & Jesse

 

I went for an ultrasound on the day of my 23 week to see what i was having as well. There was no heart beat. I had 3 boys was praying hard for a girl.. was told there was no heart beat then maybe 30 seconds later was told it was my baby girl..Was induced and after 50 something hours she was born still but yet still born.

Heather